Blood, Ink, & Tears: How Academia Silenced My Creativity

As a student of social sciences, I always observe and overthink certain neglected and often underreported issues of our society that are not even considered as a conundrum anymore. As a previous victim of this cruel education system and curriculum that doesn’t value creativity or originality, I have always struggled to score good marks in my entire school life. 

As a misunderstood or average student who couldn’t rote learn or cram every sentence written in the textbook, I used to end up scoring fewer marks in my academics, and that had a massive toll on my mental and physical health, leading to an intense burnout and depression. The level of disappointment faced by my parents used to make my heart bleed, and I couldn’t figure out where the actual conundrum used to lie. 

Throughout my school life, I used to envy all the ‘bright’ students who were everyone’s favorite, had a lot of friends, scored the highest in every subject, and whose parents used to be so joyful on receiving their results. On the other hand, when I used to show the result to my parents, it used to feel like a spear that might have pierced through their hearts. The amount of stress that I used to take was unbearable, along with the constant, unheard battle that I used to have with my ‘failed’ self. My parents were, indeed, very supportive towards me, but I could still feel their skepticism regarding my grades and the questionable future that I had.

My life took a wild turn when I chose humanities instead of sciences in intermediate at GCU. This decision wasn’t an easy one at all, because choosing an entirely different stream that could lead to nowhere was the biggest risk I took in 2021. However, I was mature enough at that time, and I knew the risk that I was taking by not opting for those mainstream fields that are still socially acceptable and respected. What makes me sad is that extraordinary souls do not get enough freedom to take risks and showcase their abilities in a particular field. Cruel, socially constructed notions make us bleed.

Well, I Digressed. I chose my favorite subjects that included History, Civics, and English literature. I did extremely well in intermediate by participating in various debates, engaging in thoughtful conversations with my mentors, and transitioning my perspective on viewing life and all the ‘failures’ that I had faced in such challenging pathways. However, I still scored fewer marks in my final board exams, only because I used to write everything on my own without memorizing anything from the textbooks. Scoring fewer marks in academics didn’t stop me from becoming who I always wanted to be in my life. So, I decided to go against everyone’s will who wanted me to do otherwise. They used to discourage me, insert the ‘fear of failure’ in my heart, and try to impose traditional societal notions into my mind. 

With the passage of time, my vision became clear, and I gained more mental clarity on what I wanted to do with my life. I had an immense interest in history, politics, and overall socio-political affairs. Therefore, I decided to opt for International Relations as my ‘guardian’ that would save me from becoming lost again.

As of now, my university life is filled with all the dreams I had. I have participated in various events, seminars, conferences, and engaged with many think tanks that helped me grow in a more balanced and productive environment, which was ideal for me. I have been scoring a good CGPA so far, and it only became possible through the process of the internal grading system that tends to focus more on quality rather than quantity. I have started to study more, analyze current affairs, engage in debates on various issues, and work in an entirely student-led society that initiates round-table discussions on such pressing national and international issues.

If I ever had a chance to meet my younger self, I would never tell him what lies ahead for him or what life would give him in return for the suffering he is facing with his family. This is because I want him to feel grateful when he gets all the fruits. When he gains enough consciousness, he will have empathy, emotional intelligence, unconditional kindness, and the ability to stay humble with an optimistic view of life.

Therefore, to all the extraordinary souls with God-gifted hidden abilities out there, here is a gentle reminder for you: be kind to yourself. You are so much more than the numbers and words written on your transcripts. Work on your qualities, refine them, and listen to what your heart says, but take your mind with you. You are the epitome of divine illumination that sets you apart from the worldly shackles of ordinariness. Kindness always begins with self-compassion, and your hidden potential will thank you for showing patience.

The world is a home to hidden wonders, and it conceals its treasures that unfold only to those who have enough humility, besides curiosity, to appreciate beauty in its simplistic form. Likewise, your ethereal qualities are hidden wonders that would only unfold once you own them. Don’t let this world deprive you of the uniqueness that you have. Take a step back and see how far you have come in life with all the uniqueness you have that deserves to shine. Take risks, choose different pathways, make a community of like-minded individuals, and put your trust in it. 

Now, when I reflect on my past, it feels like a different world to me. I came so far and left everything so far behind that my self-esteem, passion, mental clarity, and overall creative mindset have started to make me feel more overwhelmed by my past experiences. Whenever I see someone struggling to pave their way into something, especially a student, it compels me to either help them or stay humble, optimistic, and send a lot of prayers towards them, besides being retrospective on my self-loathing and unkind behavior that I had with my younger self.

This contemplation brings peace to my life. Whenever I feel that I am not doing well enough or I am returning to the same unease, I recall my past and see how far I have reached in life. The journey of soul-searching that I have traversed has had a profound impact on my perspective of viewing life and its uncertain pathways.

If you are reading this, I have a note for you:

I was just like you, a lone traveler with hidden abilities that had ambitions in his eyes, but blood, tears, & ink became a part of my destination as well. Embrace the differences that you have. You are enough, just as you are. You will get all the things that are written for you, but at the right time, when God feels you are prepared.